Sectional Healing 1/26: The Antichrist Index...

This newsletter tells you what to know about dreaming...

Jan 26, 2022

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If you’ve read either of my books or listen to any my podcasts, you’ll know that I grew up as an afterlife and apocalypse obsessed evangelical child and because of this, I have an enhanced fascination and suspicion of the fabled figure known as the Antichrist.

This interest has resulted in my constant surveillance and vigilance at who may be the Antichrist in our midst. It’s like a real life version of Where’s Waldo, except the Waldo in question is actually a Satan-embodied megalomanic who is not wearing a stripped scarf.

To prove my discerning eye for potential anti-christery, I can reveal that at different times in my life, I’ve suspected Ryan Seacrest, Oprah, Brett Favre, Taylor Swift, Kofi Annan, Peyton Manning, all as being potentially False Messiahs. BE IN AWE OF THIS GIFT.

Now, have any of these people been confirmed as the antichrist? No. HOWEVER, I would say they haven’t been confirmed YET.

Accordingly, from time to time in this space (and as a public service) I wanted to check in on the potential anti-christness of various notable figures and celebrities to add to this shortlist of candidates so that we can all be as prepared as possible for when that unblessed day comes and the real Antichrist initiates the Perdition Protocols.

We won’t be able to stop it but at least we will be able to say, “HA! TOLD YOU SO.”

LOW ANTICHRIST VIBES

Joe Biden

I personally tend to believe in age limits in most things for both old AND young people (alcohol, voting, driving, holding public office, indoor playgrounds at Chick-fil-A) and potentially being the Antichrist is no different.

That said, because he’s the President, we have to consider Joe, but very quickly I would dismiss him from contention just because any Antichrist worth their demonic salt would know not to have a press conference lasting over two hours.

Joey B! You cannot do this. Do you know how many wordles could have been done in those two hours? IMMENSE WORDLES.

Also, an octogenarian man speaking extemporaneously for two straight hours?!?

Remember what happened when Clint Eastwood went off script at the Republican National Convention? And that was 12 MINUTES.

The only Old Person adjacent thing worse than Joe’s press conference is how ABC is still planning an entire season of The Bachelor where we are gonna have to watch old people hump.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 20 of 100

Donald Trump

In the past, he’s been rated higher, but he’s fallen sharply for reasons like this:

PatriotTakes 🇺🇸@patriottakes

Trump asking for applause from the Mar-a-Lago brunch crowd. Sad.

10:02 PM · Jan 23, 2022

2.82K Reposts · 12.8K Likes

Anyone who has to REQUEST applause from a crowd of people attending to see you is probably going to have some issues whipping up enough enthusiasm to get the flyover Karens to take the mark of the beast.

Also, not loving how he looks like if Teddy Ruxpin became human and got into Conspiracy Theories. Smile, big fella!

An additional strike against Trump is getting told “You’re Fired” from all the social medias. You’re gonna need that reach to kickstart the apocalypse and Parler isn’t really popping off in what is probably a huge surprise to everyone (not).

And failing as a Blog Boy doesn’t help things either.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 16 of 100

Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers must be considered here because as an elite professional QB, he is unnaturally skilled and a known quantity to millions of people. Also, as a nod to the Christian apocalyptic book series, Rodgers is also very familiar at being Left Behind in the NFL playoffs (HEY-OOOO).

Additionally, I would say minus points for his presentation. Rodgers looks more like the deadbeat forty year old who dates your 18 year daughter but “is an entrepreneur” and is “just in between opportunities” than he does a global figure. Feel his shirt if you want, but I can promise you it’s not made out of antichrist material.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 12 of 100

MEDIUM ANTICHRIST VIBES

Oscar Isaac’s Accent from the Moon Knight trailer

I know this is a bit of a stretch but stay with me.

I don’t know what this story is about.

I don’t know what the Moon Knight’s deal is.

I don’t know how Ethan Hawke factors into this.

I don’t understand Marvel just being like, “Yep, Egyptian Gods are good to go now.”1

But what I DO know is that whatever voice is coming out of Oscar’s mouth is not of this world and it’s something that makes God and the rest of the Heavenly Host weep.

“ALO GUVNAH. FANCY WATCHING MEH HAV A REAL TWISTAH OF TIME IN MEH ROOM? HOVEN A BIT OF A CHEEKY BOOM BOOM. SLAYPING DISORDAHS AH NOT FUNNEH. METHINKS IM LOSING ME MIND, MATE.”

That has to count for something vaguely antichristic.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 83 of 100

Lin Manuel Miranda

This one hurts but you have to look inside your heart sometimes.

Lin is super charming and uber-talented. No doy, obvi, etc etc.

Beyond his success on Broadway, he also moonlights as the musical mastermind behind the soundtracks to many animated movies (Moana, Vivo, and Encanto are the second-best trinity of all time, fight me weapons OR fists).

However, you know what this musical genius looks like to me? A great opportunity for subliminal brainwashing messages.

Yes he did Hamilton and yes I loved Hamilton, but that musical is about what? Not throwing away your shot. Think about that for a minute.

It’s enough to make a guy wonder, maybe we weren’t thinking big enough. Maybe, Lin was subtly telling us that he wasn’t throwing away his shot……at being the antichrist?!?

Gen Z and TikTok highly disdains him because of his overt earnestness, but I don’t think this is because of a youthful clarity; I think it’s because people on TikTok don’t know what they think until the algorithm tells them.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 70 of 100

Mark Zuckerberg

Zuck is the thinking man’s douchebag and a modern day Julius Caesar (another ancient Antichrist candidate). He has unprecedented reach and the power to subconsciously influence more people than any other person or entity on the planet and routinely allows for the exploitation of this power without recourse. His refusal to stop commoditizing privacy and personal data is his version of crossing the rubicon, so for that we will refer to him as “Julius Skeezer” and he will just have to sit in the SICKNESS of that extreme burn.

All that said, he’s so unhuman that it’s almost too obvious for him to be the AntiChrist.

His inability to master basic human things like how to use sunscreen…

or drink water…

…are sure to be a liability in the formation of his One World Order.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 64 of 100

HIGH VIBES

The Rock.

Looks like he’s getting younger. Astronomically wealthy. His movies make a lot of money despite being hot, milky wet trash. Has a “replica” T. rex skull in his living room which is a huge archaeological flex.

Also, I can’t really explain it but I was genuinely sad that he wasn’t running for President and I think the fact that he looks like a giant tattooed baby is both awe-inspiring and disarming.

Additionally, he recently released this song which all but tells us his plans for humanity.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 87 of 100

Jeff Bezos

To be honest, he has the antichrist look. It’s a cross between what if Lex Luthor had little to no game but was more wealthy?

Recently, he stepped away from Amazon day-to-day operations. Hmmm I wonder why? For Antichrist activities OBVIOUSLY.

Also, it has to count that if you told me he had an island in the Caribbean where he lets ultra wealthy people hunt poor people for sport, I wouldn’t be STUNNED about that news.

He’s also designed a fleet of rockets shaped like dongs and is courting the global elite for chill space cruises. Why? C’mon yall; to consolidate power in advance of his ascension.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 94 of 100

Pete Davidson

This one is pretty self-explanatory and honestly, I kind of need him to be the antichrist just to make it all make sense.

His whole run at celebrity just suggests that there’s something that is obviously and inherently true that we can’t quite see yet, which makes it almost certain that when the whole apocalypse thing goes down, it will Pete Davidson centerstage for it all.

LIKELIHOOD SCORE: 97 of 100

WHAT SUPPORTERS GOT LAST WEEK SECTION

The Introduction of my next non-fiction book, Secretly Sacred.

Sign up to support now and you get this chapter in the written AND audio form AND you’ll get continuous access to all future chapters of this book and others.

READS SECTION

What If We Just Stopped Being So Available?: This one was a balm to my introverted, enneagram five soul.
Why ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno’ Is Such a Banger: We listen to this on the way to school every single day and it gets stuck in my head for the next 12 hours NO EXCEPTIONS.
Inside Jerry Falwell Jr’s Unlikely Rise and Fall At Liberty University: Anytime one of these drop, just a complete auto-read for me. I liked the part where he said that his dad used to speed through campus crosswalks to terrorize students. YOU KNOW, like Jesus used to do.
The Best and Worst States to Drive In, Ranked: Let’s just say Alabama and Tennessee being ranked almost last in driving safety was not a shock to me.
TV’s Best Shows Aren’t Trying to Trick You Anymore: Loved this look at the evolution of storytelling and how that relates to the viewing experience.