🎉 Mini-Essay 🎉
Two weeks ago, I wrote about HOW to buy gifts for the heteronormative gents in your life.
Since then you’ve no doubt been ACCOSTED by basically the entire internet trying to sherpa you through the process of buying gifts for friends/family/loved ones as if this assortment of people existed to you as unrecognizable shapes with no discernible preference contours or desire specificities to aid and guide your shopping travails.
And because I’m a duplicitous hypocrite all the same, below I AM STILL including 39 gift ideas for the special person in your life that is so special that you require the ideas of an internet stranger for help on how to buy for them.
BUT FIRST, I wanted to write a short gift guide to gifts that can go STRAIGHT (back) to hell.
a car
I’ve written about this before but no matter how hard Lexus goes in the paint this holiday season with their December to Remember ad blitz, unless you genetically belong to the Roy family from Succession, you should not buy your partner a motor vehicle without their knowledge.
I even received this content pitch email from someone who definitely listens to all my podcasting…
I don’t know what he had in mind for this pitch, but FACTS ARE FACTS.
A pet
Same with the car thing. While it’s less expensive, this is a MULTI-YEAR commitment with financial and emotional requirements.
Say it with me: WE DON’T BUY THINGS FOR PEOPLE REQUIRING THEIR LONG-TERM EMOTIONAL AND FINANCIAL INVESTMENT.
A new pet in a new car
At a certain point, a gesture like this looks more like an act of aggression than it does a romantic gesture.
A house
I’ve made a decision. If someone in my life just bought me a house without my input, I wouldn’t even pretend to be flattered. I’d immediately take on an aggressive and angry posture.
I’ve gotten to the age that I have so many opinions and preferences with a house that any occupation of said house would come with intense resentment when the kitchen pantry is too small or the backyard is on a severe hill.
A star named for someone
While it presents as thoughtful and creative, this is a scam. Whenever they make Contact 2, they aren’t going to be like,
WHITEHOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF: Mr President, NASA has just spotted evidence of an alien spacecraft just beyond the star… (checks notes) Cynthia McDuperloo.
PRESIDENT: There’s a star named “Cynthia McDuperloo?”
WHITEHOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF: That’s correct, sir.
PRESIDENT: Is there a particular astronomic reason the star is named “Cynthia McDuperloo?”
WHITEHOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF: Well, Sir, it seems that it was purchased by a Mr. Hank McDuperloo of Sheboygan, Wisconsin on behalf of his wife as a Christmas gift several years ago.
PRESIDENT: He bought an entire star? That must have been expensive.
WHITEHOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF: I think it was only $19.95 unless he sprang for the deluxe package.
A certificate showing the purchase of land in Scotland making them a lord or lady
For the same reasons above. This doesn’t entitle anyone to suddenly showing up in Outlander Season 34.
“AYE DINNA FASH SASSENACH, I’M THE LEGAL LAIRD OF THIS MARSHY SWAMP.”
Coupons for acts of service
This just tells everyone that you forgot, you’re broke, or you don’t actually care about this person because fundamentally, no self-respecting person is going to be like, “Brian, I’d like to cash in my Crayon Designed Coupons where you promised to scrapbook with me this entire weekend” because fundamentally, scrapbooking with someone isn’t about your presence, it’s about your participation.
Coupons for *explicit* acts of service
To be clear, this is definitely the preferred coupon scenario if you JUST have to go the coupon route, but again, nothing kills the sexual chemistry more than the handing over of a crumpled piece of paper that was created with markers and cut with elementary school scissors, I don’t care how thoughtfully and explicitly rendered the images are.
A cameo from Caillou
I thought we all agreed that terrorism is wrong?
Anything crypto
Come on, don’t you read the news?
Anything NFT
Seriously, you don’t read ANY news?
As I mentioned and promised earlier, what follows now is a gift guide of my own because I remain a hypocrite who contains MULTITUDES.
I’m including my favorite stores to shop, my favorite items I’ve purchased for myself or had purchased for me, my favorite alcohols (always a simple and easy gift purchase unless you are a child or talking animal) and my favorite books both fiction and non.