63: The Antichrist Power Rankings
as well as the weekly recommendations
In this week’s edition, I’ve got the weekly recommendations as well as an essay power ranking the most likely candidates to secretly be the Antichrist, BUT FIRST…
🎧 Listen Up 🎧
Jason and I recapped the most recent episode of Survivor as well as discussed the most recent Superman Trailer.
In episode 187, Jason and I discussed the American Gladiators reboot coming to Amazon, Cooper Flagg to the Mavs, the evolving landscape of the NBA, and the ESPN pivot to streaming.
🎉 The Recommendations 🎉
📚 Heartwood by Amity Gaige
WHERE: Amazon / Audible
This is a character-driven literary mystery set in the wilds of Maine, centered on the disappearance of 42-year-old nurse Valerie Gillis, who vanishes while hiking the Appalachian Trail.
The story unfolds mainly through multiple perspectives: Valerie herself, writing poetic and urgent journal entries to her mother from the wilderness; Lieutenant Beverly Miller, the game warden leading the search; and Lena Kucharski, a 76-year-old amateur naturalist who becomes unexpectedly involved in the case from afar.
I’ve loved Amity Gaige since Sea Wife, and I think it’s because she writes about isolation and separation with a kind of reluctant embrace, while also using that perspective to emphasize the power of connection.
It’s a great read if you like a little mystery, nature as a character, and/or mother-daughter relationships.
📺 The Last of Us S2
WHERE: HBO
(NO SPOILERS) This season picks up five years after the first season, and thus far it has focused on themes of revenge, truth, and fractured trust while delving deeper into the characters’ backstories and motivations.
There’s been some online grumbling about this season and the pace and the casting of Bela Ramsey as Ellie, but I’ve found it to be very excellent TV.
The show doesn’t seem eager to rush through the canonical story of the video game and it also feels confident enough to pursue non-canonical aspects that make sense for a TV show lens.
Highly recommend bingeing if you haven’t already in time for this Sunday’s season finale.
🕶️ Ray Ban Dupes
WHERE: Amazon
These look and feel just like Ray Ban Wayfarer Classic, but SIGNIFICANTLY less expensive ($10), just in time for Summer.
✍️ Essay: The Most Likely To Be The Anti-Christ Power Rankings
Look, I’m not saying the Antichrist is actively among us, sipping a cold brew, doom-scrolling and wondering how air-travel got so…turbulent (pun intended lol).
But every now and then, I do like to run a vibes-based audit of our cultural landscape just to see who’s giving off strong Book of Revelation energy.
The thing is, the actual Bible is frustratingly vague on what the Antichrist will look like. There’s no height range, no skincare routine, not even a Myers-Briggs. Which means we’re left with the spiritual gift of wildly irresponsible conjecture. This list isn’t prophecy, per se. These are just red flags in human form: people, public figures, and cultural entities who, if they did break the seventh seal, we’d all nod solemnly and say, “Yeah… that tracks.”
Tom Cruise - Ageless. Scientologist. Devoted to impossible missions. Just look at his filmography: Oblivion, Rock of Ages, Lions for Lambs, War of the Worlds, Eyes Wide Shut, Days of Thunder, All the Right Moves… That’s not a résumé; it’s a slow-played confessional.
New Pope – It’s nothing personal; it’s just that every pope has to be suspected of being the Antichrist because of Martin Luther.
Tom Brady – Gave up his family to keep playing football, which feels very Book of Revelation in tone and decision-making. Also, his hair and face keep shape-shifting despite his advanced age.
Taylor Swift – Has fully transitioned from country ingenue to international demigod with snake iconography, boyfriend named Travis, and a cult-like following.
Elon Musk – Literal Bond villain energy. Might already be the Antichrist but also might be his intern.
Donald Trump – Same as the pope; every sitting US President has to be under suspicion, especially so for Trump given that he survived an assassination attempt. Also, he speaks in parables only he understands or can follow and released his own version of the Bible.
Jim Harbaugh – Very good leader and organizer. Already has done the supernatural in making Michigan relevant again. Calls milk “God’s protein.”
Bluey’s Dad (Bandit) – Too perfect. No real dad is that present, that funny, and that good at imaginative play.
AI-generated Jesus content on TikTok – Glows softly, never blinks, delivers sermons with the cadence of a sponsored ad for Better Help. Somehow combines the Sermon on the Mount with affiliate codes.
Michael B. Jordan – Has portrayed both virtuous heroes and a violently persuasive villain (Killmonger), which feels like resume-padding for an Antichrist audition. If Revelation had a thirst trap section, he’d be in it because nowhere in Scripture are we warned about biceps and cheekbones.
Peppa Pig – Speaks in British dialects designed to sound educational while corrupting the very notion of humility. Has a mysterious vendetta against muddy puddles, uhhh I’m sorry, AKA, her own element, which feels spiritually metaphoric.
Chris Pratt – Started as a goofy sidekick, but transitioned into a tamer of raptors who now voices Garfield, and Mario? The villain arc is just too available.
The person who invented the Stanley Tumbler craze – Somehow convinced a generation to carry around a personal fire hydrant of water. THAT’S THE DARKEST OF DARK MAGIC.
Caillou – Bald not by choice but by dark covenant. Voice of a whiny demigod. Defied aging laws for over two decades and never developed a single moral compass despite having multiple PBS story arcs dedicated to “learning lessons.”
Dolly Parton – Too good to be true. The only thing that could break us is if Dolly turns out to be the Antichrist. That’s how we know she’s the perfect candidate.
Pedro Pascal – The world’s boyfriend. Rides horses. Wears cloaks. Comforts orphans. Protects Baby Yoda AND Ellie from The Last of Us AND is Mister Fantastic? No one man should have all that power.
Mark Zuckerberg – Struggles with basic human things like speaking or drinking water normally, speaks in tongues (code), created the digital panopticon, and has been on an intense likability rebrand.
The Tik-Tok algorithm (TM) – Doesn’t have a face, but absolutely has an agenda and our attention.
Timothée Chalamet – Too beautiful to be trustworthy. Looks like he’d tempt the saints just by tucking in a sweater. He was almost perfect on College Gameday and might be responsible for the Knicks’ resurgence. Capably pulled off Willy Wonka, Bob Dylan, and Paul Atreides in the same calendar year? SORCERY I TELL YOU.
Ryan Seacrest – Has hosted every major cultural event since the early 2000s and has yet to visibly age.
Also receiving votes:
Morgan Wallen, Marjorie Taylor Greene, The Property Brothers, The Kelce Brothers, Dave Coulier, Guy Fieri, Fred from Scooby-Doo, AOC, Coach Prime, Dua Lipa, Mariah Carey, Jake from State Farm, Jared Leto, the concept of macro-dosing, Joanna Gaines, Kris Jenner, and Andy Cohen.
Who is number one in your Antichrist Power Rankings?
I think you have some real contenders, but for some reason Joanna Gaines is the one that made me almost spit out my coffee laughing.
Can I interest you in Benson Boone? He has to have made some blood covenant or soul selling to amass the popularity he has while releasing trash music like “mystical magical”. Very antichrist behavior. There’s also a case to be made his mustache itself is the antichrist