Tom Brady is back. I do not care if this annoys you. I do not care if you do not like Tom Brady. I do not care if you are resentful that your terrible, underachieving quarterback cannot even win his division while Tom Brady almost always wins his conference, has a supermodel wife who out-earns him, is good at social media, and is physically ascendant well into his mid-40s.1
This is what, in the life coaching business, they call a, “you problem.”
I apologize with extreme insincerity that you have frustrations about where your sporting allegiances lie. The fact that you abide by the heterodoxy of affinities for the Falcons or the Cowboys or the Steelers because an elder authority forced you to do so when you were a child is not my problem and it is MOST ASSUREDLY AND CERTAINLY not Tom Brady’s problem.
But I get it. I’ve been there too.
Do you know how many terrible quarterbacks I’ve rooted for over the years? To reiterate, I’ve always been “a root for people and/or narratives” kind of fan as opposed to the “homer / root for the brand” kind of fan, but even so, I’ve held enthusiasms for my fair share of quarterbacks who were very uneasy on the eyes!
Danny Kanell! (during my FSU-fandom era)
Tommie Frazier! (he ran a sick triple option)
Donovan McSlab! (for fantasy reasons)
Daunte Culpepper! (for fantasy reasons)
Jared Lorenzen! (for plus-sized reasons)
Brad Johnson! (during my first Tampa Bay-fandom era)
Danny Wuerffel! (for Christian reasons)
Steve Taneyhill! (for wearing a mullet BEFORE it was back on trend)
Davis Mills! (for gambling reasons)
Chris Rix! (also during my FSU period)
There’s one Super Bowl in this mix and a couple of natty’s but otherwise, the comprehensive QB play was exceedingly sus.
ALL THAT SAID, it’s totally fine and ok and natural to want to do karate in Tom Brady’s face in a disrespectful and threatening way. HOWEVER, to wish for a world where Blaine Gabbert is a starting quarterback when you could have the greatest of all time, that’s just increasing the mediocrity in an already mediocre world.
If you are having trouble reconciling this, here’s my advice:
Go to Homegoods. It HAS to be Homegoods2.
Get a cart. Why? Because getting a cart makes you feel like you have a purpose and it provides a relaxed pacing for you to browse the aisles. Without a cart, it’s easy to feel like you are in a rush. Don’t rush! Enjoy yourself. You deserve a little break. Self-care etc etc.
Since you are enjoying yourself, why not check out the outdoor dining sets at HomeGoods? Spring will be here before you know it and you’ll probably want to entertain people on the back porch.
After you’ve browsed the outdoor dining seats, head to the throw pillow section.
Look for a sturdy but soft pillow. Some of the materials can be coarse, so look for a material that is soft, but not too silky. Only HomeGoods has the diversity of pillows to allow for you to find your perfect solution depending on where you exist on the spectrum of soft-to-coarse with throw pillows.
Once you’ve made your selection, purchase this pillow (and hopefully a reasonably priced outdoor dining set, am I right??) and return to your car.
Remove the pillow from the bag and place it in front of your face.
Into your new pillow, I want you to SHRIEK all of your frustrations about Tom Brady. It’s okay if you get a little spittle on the pillow; remember HomeGoods has QUALITY pillow.
Realize that this isn’t really about Tom Brady. It’s about you projecting your discontent with your own team and quarterback onto Tom.
Take a deep breath. Look at your new, beautiful throw pillow and recognize it as a metaphor for your new outlook on life where you will now enjoy the fact that you live during a time when the greatest ever at something exists in tandem with you instead of resenting it.
PICTURE SECTION
READS SECTION
LISTEN SECTION
**RED ALERT: I’m infrequently recapping Survivor this season and all the recaps can be found here on this newsletter**
Drop Your Buffs Survivor, Season 42: Episode 1
Over Under Achievers 49: NFL Quarterback Shuffling
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We’re back with another NCAA Bracket Challenge for the Over Under Achievers podcast and we’re giving the winner $100.
It’s free to play, just click here to enter (password: “overunder”)
GOOD DOG SECTION
TWEETS SECTION
FUN FACT: this weekend, I slept so hard that I pulled a muscle!
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Tommie Frazier was so fun to watch.
Packers fan here. I am so excited Brady is back. He is the best and I'm so excited to watch him play again. It makes me feel like even as I get to age 40 I can be fit and healthier. I recently battled cancer and so his commitment to his body and self care inspires me.