Say It With Me: Cars Are Not Christmas Presents

aka the one about decembers to remember

It’s officially the season for car commercials premising that it is a good and natural and wise thing to clandestinely purchase a new vehicle for your spouse for Christmas reasons. Dear Reader, you already know this is an elaborate fiction. I know this is an elaborate fiction. To even writing about this is to tilt at motor vehicularized windmills.

AND YET, these commercials persist.

They continue with the same impossibly attractive and fit couples living in impossibly clean and state of the art homes while it snows an impossibly pure and aesthetically pleasing snow that only exists on commercials. We know this because the snow isn’t ugly and sometimes, don’t be a baby about this, snow is so ugly. I’m sorry, but sometimes it is and again, don’t be a baby about that. MOST of the time, snow is a messy b-word of a precipitation and it slushifies into a form that can only be described as slightly used toilet paper.

I’m seeing all these commercials everywhere now but meanwhile, here in Tennessee, it’s December tomorrow and I’ve been running errands around town in a style I like to call, “Middle School Baseball Coach Chic”: it’s a hat with a long sleeve quarter zip, running shorts and Nike slides. It’s called fashion, Sweeties, mmmmmkay?

But back to these commercials. It’s usually the Lexus, December to Remember promotion but last year, GMC got in the game and had one where the husband surprises the wife with two new cars and when she opts for the truck over the SUV, his mind explodes because of heteronormative gender expectations.

But to me, the commercial itself creates more questions than it actually answers:

So both of them just gave up their big Christmas surprises the first week of December? (Do you think it is because they are disoriented in life because of how huge their refrigerator is? LOOK AT THAT THING.)

Is…..is the husband terrible at hiding presents? Because both cars were just in the driveway even though he didn’t have foreknowledge of the impromptu Christmas spoilering?

And are we to understand that he bought not one but TWO cars without her knowledge AND that he had such little handle on her preferences that he was legitimately stunned when she wanted the truck? Because of this, I think we have to assume that this couple is definitely in couples therapy and the car buying gesture is either an attempt to mollify her rage at him for something he did OR confirmation that his understanding of the world is distorted because of the fridge that is the size of a Costco and it’s adversely affecting his decision-making.

And is that a bowl of red onions on the counter?¹ I love red onions but a BOWL of red onions? An ENTIRE bowl? At Christmas? (Insert Scooby Doo confusion noise).

First, this is the most underwhelming reaction to getting a puppy in the history of humanity. I’ve reacted more exuberantly when McDonald’s accidentally gave me 11 nuggets instead of just 10 then she did when a new puppy appeared and calmly presented itself to her. Maybe when you are that hot and wealthy, things like this happen all the time and it just kind of gets boring after a while?

Second, HAVE YOU EVER KNOWN A PUPPY, GMC? (Written Meme with Sean Bean from LOTR) “One does not simply release a puppy in the snow covered landscape and prompt it to obedience with a whistle.” PREPOSTEROUS. It should be urinating everywhere, dooking everywhere and also inexplicably chewing on random shoes at all times.

Third, a puppy AND a truck are different versions of the same problem. You cannot just arbitrarily sign someone up to be a pet owner just like you can’t wed them to four years of financed payments.

Recently, Lexus had a whole series of commercials designed around the idea of children and puppies getting excited over cars only to be revealed as actually adults who let their inner child get out and somehow the dog is older too?

I don’t understand this because when I was a child, I didn’t have strong feelings about cars. My dad drove an old blue Jeep Cherokee and then later an older burgundy station wagon, the make and model of which I never actually knew, but I felt nothing over being transported in either car as long as I was on time and I would venture to say that most of us are the same in that respect? The only time I took notice of cars as a kid was when I saw a stretch limo. I just assumed either a European dignitary was in town or Kevin McCallister was up to stuff again.

So it feels like we should reject a premise normalizing ten-year olds having hopes and dreams of one day driving a luxury SUV, because if that is what ten-year olds are truly prioritizing right now, we should all just probably go ahead and fall headlong into the gaping maw of consumer capitalism.

But look, I do get the impulse. Sometimes you want to go for the big bang. Sometimes, after years together, it feels weird to be like, “here’s a candle from Anthropologie, a weighted AND heated blanket, and an air fryer.”

And sometimes, it’s a little underwhelming to look at your spouse framed against the brilliant vision of a decorated tree and soft white lights before saying, “Merry Christmas, my love, and as a reminder, we gave each other the gift of new landscaping so just look out the front door if you feel disappointed right now.”

But this is a weirdness couples just have to live within because going all Leeroy Jenkins on a gift that requires multi-year financing and that diminishes in value is a wonderful gift IN THEORY. But you know what the best gift of all is? Taking on debt openly and honestly. Like good elder millennials do.

1. I’ve been informed that these are actually pomegranates but I refuse to acknowledge this more rational because a bowl of red onions is more fun. IT JUST IS!