Sectional Healing 1/5: Yellowstone Character Vibe Check Power Rankings
This newsletter is an alternate universe.
In honor of the Yellowstone Season 4 finale, I wanted to do a Character Vibe Check Power Rankings (Spoilers OBVI)…
For being a sneaky snake cobra assassin that murdered Sawyer from LOST1 in honestly one of the most inexplicable character defenestrations I’ve ever seen in my life at the beginning of the season and he ended it by living in John Dutton’s house, marrying John’s daughter, being John’s wingman in a diner vigilante situation and becoming a father figure to the orphan kid. Pantheon level Rip performance this season imo.
Doesn’t have a driver’s license or any other paper proof of his existence.
Scientists are currently aware of none.
Is trusted by Beth because he helped her hack her feelings through sad music.
Is cool to orphans
Stole Laramie from a geriatric cowboy named Lloyd, who he later fought for 4 straight hours and lost BUT IN A NOBLE WAY.
Remains a stylish dresser AND his music is prominent on all my Spotify playlists.
Should be dead.
Smashes with Laramie in front of God and everyone.
Wishes to be in Texas.
Defended his family against assassins
Got a dog
Never has to go to school
Still gets bathed by his mom.
Is confused by erections.
Revealed he knew what his parents were actually doing when they took mid-day “naps” which makes the erection confusion strange.
85% of his dialogue is 100% growling.
Murdered two armed robbers in what appeared to be Sky Country’s version of Waffle House.
Is a good tipper.
Used his own blood to leave clues about his would-be assassin.
The mom and child with car trouble that he tried to help at the end of season 3 ended up dead because of his assassin problems.
His daughter sexually harassed him the entire season mostly without consequence.
We are asked to believe that he could pull activist Piper Perabo (LOL).
Got close with his dad, the former defensive coordinator from Remember the Titans.
Found out he had a secret child.
Maintains an absolute masterpiece wall of salt and pepper hair. MY LORD IT IS A GLORIOUS BETA MALE MANE.
Existed in almost an entirely different show the whole season I’m assuming because of COVID reasons
Killed his dad and former defensive coordinator from Remember the Titans.
Continues to get hazed, bullied, and dunked on by his sister because he opted for her sterilization when she was a teenager.
His secretary does not respect him.
Got cucked out of running for Governor by his adoptive father.
THE ORPHAN KID
Is convinced he could win an Olympic gold medal at shit shoveling.
Exposed horse riding for being murder on the testicles.
Started eating dinner at the Dutton House.
His father died in the first episode.
Had to live in a barn.
Was only able to wear one set of clothes for the first 8 episodes of the season.
Asked for a jacket and was screamed at and then ignored for five episodes.
Asked Beth to be his mom and she said, “Pass.”
Horse master supreme.
Is never not dunking on Jimmy.
Is the co-creator of this show and almost every other original show on Paramount Plus.
Told Jimmy “I hope God gave you a big dingle donger because he sure didn’t give you any brains.” ICONIC WRITING TBH.
Seems to get an almost sexual joy out of bullying Jimmy.
Had the most airtime of any character in the season. If you take out all the horse spinning, this season would have been 3.5 episodes long.
Probably stayed dizzy.
Had the second most airtime of any character in the season. If you take out all the horses that stop footage, this season would have been 5.5 episodes long.
Will probably develop patellar tendinitis with all that stopping and starting.
At one point was hooking up with Laramie.
Wasn’t afraid to throw down about getting cucked by Walker.
Apologized to Rip for making it so that Rip had to beat his ass.
Pawned off a belt buckle (wut?) to buy a brand new guitar for Walker.
Fought or pouted the entire season.
Thinking that he could smash with Laramie and she wouldn’t consider smashing any of the other hot cowboys who weren’t born at the outset of the Civil War.
Destroyed Walker’s guitar in a fit of rage.
Shares a name with Ari’s assistant from Entourage.
Smoked a cig after having a mailbomb detonate on her.
Got revenge on her boss, Summer’s dad from The OC.
Has a sick Mercedes she drives 70 mph down a gravel driveway and somehow never gets a scratch or windshield crack on it.
Has the most sex of anyone this season by a factor of 12.
Set up a conjugal visit with the guy who planned the failed assassination attempt on her family just to taunt him.
Black market adopted a child without paperwork or a plan to clothe, feed, shelter, or deal with his trauma.
Is probably going to jail.
Is blackmailing her brother in order to provoke a patricide.
For getting activist Piper Perabo sent to jail because, like Edward Norton mutilating Jared Leto in Fight Club, she just wanted to destroy something beautiful.
Told her dad he needed to get more p-word.
Had a nude spiritual sleepover hallucination fest.
Resisted temptation when a seemingly 18-year old Cowgirl wanted to smash with him.
Stopped going to work and experienced no consequences.
Committed (justified) murder at an intersection in front of civilians
Almost died committing (justified) murder at an intersection in front of civilians.
Moved his wife and son into his dad’s house and didn’t understand why they felt suffocated.
Got addicted to Zillow.
Bought a house without a home inspection.
May decide to end his marriage because a wolf said so.
Became an actual cowboy in two episodes.
Got engaged to a very likable cowgirl.
Should feature prominently in the Yellowstone spinoff, The 6666s
Masturbated MULTIPLE horses over God knows how many months.
Doesn’t understand how to quickly eat breakfast.
Doesn’t understand how showering works.
Didn’t get a “learning to rope” musical montage.
Can’t grow a beard.
Didn’t fight for the woman who nursed him back to health after he should have been paralyzed.
THAT SHERIFF GUY WHO DIED DURING A SHOOTOUT AT BIG SKY WAFFLEHOUSE
Has excellent taste in lunch foods.
Is a co-creator of the show.
Died while on the phone with his daughter.
Had a head and haircut that resembled a penile countenance.
Huge gambling debts.
JAMIE’S REAL DAD
Has great taste in real estate.
Is always down to talk murder and retribution.
Gets conversationally destroyed by John Dutton at a diner.
Has no hobbies besides talking about murder and retribution.
Gets patricided while sitting by a peaceful river.
Had been in jail for murdering his wife.
Has a great nickname.
People finally started eating his food.
Doesn’t seem to be aware of Keto or veganism
No one ever really eats much of his food.
SAWYER FROM LOST
Loved fly fishing.
Great head of hair.
Cliche Finance Bro.
Killed by Rip in the middle of a stream with the ole “Murder Snake in a Cooler” gambit.
WHAT DID SUPPORTERS GET LAST WEEK SECTION
Wherein Jason Waterfalls, Andre, and myself COMPREHENSIVELY answer the following questions and MORE…
Why So Much Obama-era Culture Feels So Cringe Right Now. I actually disagree with this piece a little because it turns the response into a political adjacency, when really, I think it’s a multi generational dismissiveness from Gen Z who wants to dookie on everything that came before it and Boomers who interpret the reconsideration of history and institutions as an indictment on their entire generation.
Is Arrival Fallacy Ruining Your Happiness? I’ve been thinking and writing about this idea for more than ten years and have NEVER come up with as good of a label as “arrival fallacy.”
11 Mysteries Scientist Can’t Solve. I will never not click a post with a title like this. It’s just who I am.
Why It Is Time To Shed Some Light on History’s “Dark Ages.” Over the last few years, I’ve accidentally gotten into different movements, figures, and ideologies that intersect with the Dark Age timeline and LEMME tell you, it’s all immensely fascinating.
The 51 Best and Weirdest Charts of the Year. You know yaboi, BIG CHART GUY. Lots of great visual perspectives here.
GOOD DOG SECTION
WHY WAS HE HERE? ALSO, did anyone in his life love him enough to wonder what happened to him?