Sectional Healing 5/10: Welcome to Hell (aka the month of May)
I can’t believe it’s May. I’m still writing “2021” on things I have to date and I have no idea what has happened to my New Years resolutions. They vanished into the ether and RUMORS ABOUND over what I actually intended to accomplish by making them. Maybe learn a new language? Perfect homemade pizza perhaps?
I still have a pizza oven I bought at the end of last year that I haven’t touched since bringing it home. You have to understand though, it was a simpler time then; optimism was everywhere. A new Outlander season was just around the corner and we had no idea it would feature a new country-western theme song and revolve around 1) Claire getting an Ellen haircut and 2) the hi-jinx perpetrated by a malevolent girl named something like Vulva.
Regardless, even if I didn’t have access to a calendar, I’d know it was May because of the uptick in activities for the childrens. When you have the childrens, May is activity procrastination made manifest. School, sports, and all significant activities seem to forget that you are allowed to schedule things in any of the months from August - April and so, ALL THE AND EVERY ONE OF THE THINGS is scheduled to occur in May.
The older I get, the more I realize that placing Mother’s Day in May is perhaps the quietest cruelty by the patriarchy. Moms can’t be celebrated in May; THERE SIMPLY ISN’T TIME.
“HAVE YOU PRACTICED YOUR POEM?”
“HAVE YOU PRACTICED YOUR SPEECH?”
“HAVE YOU PRACTICED YOUR SONG?”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEED PUFF PAINT FOR TOMORROW? IT’S 11:07PM.”
“WE CAN’T HAVE A FRIEND OVER, HONEY. WE HAVE A TRIPLE HEADER TODAY AND A SEXTUPLE HEADER TOMORROW ALL AT DIFFERENT FIELDS ACROSS THESE HERE UNITED STATES.”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT’S EARLY DISMISSAL AGAIN TOMORROW? IT’S A TUESDAY. WHAT COULD THEY BE DOING?”
“WHY SHOULD I KNOW WHERE YOUR CLEATS / SHINGUARDS / COSTUME / PROJECT / CLASSROOM PET / ARE? THEY ARE YOUR CLEATS / SHINGUARDS / COSTUME / PROJECT / CLASSROOM PET.”
“I’M SORRY; YOU ARE SAYING THAT EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK YOU HAVE TO DRESS UP IN ACCORDANCE TO A VERY SPECIFIC AND DIFFICULT TO SHOP FOR THEME?”
“WHICH ONE OF YOUR 18 JERSEYS ARE YOU WEARING TODAY?”
“YES, I CAN DEFINITELY MAKE A RANDOM PARENT MEETING SCHEDULED EARLY IN THE MORNING / LATE AT NIGHT THAT DEFINITELY COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL.”
All the while, here in the South, pollen (aka nature’s ejaculate) covers everything the light touches and enters every respiratory orifice within 1.5 seconds of stepping outside.
Major Ts and Ps to all the parents out there this month. I see you. I hear you. I know your pain and, please write this down, through God and day-time margaritas, all things are possible.
Jason and I make the case for PEDs in sports, recap the NFL draft, talk about whether or not Klay Thompson and Bill Belichick are cooked AND MUCH MORE.
With an ailing Jamie, Erin Moon fills in to help me talk about Zac Efron, the new Game of Thrones spinoff, Kendrick Lamar’s deepfake video, and then later, Jason Waterfalls joins us for a snake draft.
Jamie and I break down all the movies you should avoid and all the ones you should make time for this summer.